Just the facts

peter leo

the shakedown

With all these signs up around campus, alcohol sure seems like a hot topic these days. I’ll drink to that.

Grinnell College Alcohol Fact #23: Most students do not drink in their rooms because it’s mighty difficult to fit a lot of people into them. At least that’s my excuse.

Grinnell College Alcohol Fact #57: The 38 percent of Grinnell College students who chose to let alcohol interfere with their schoolwork aren’t around anymore. As a result, the Harlem Shake, the Come-Hither, the Bubble Gum, the Raptor Walk, the air cast and several cans of dip are no longer here among us. Cliff Otto, Grinnell misses you.

Grinnell College Alcohol Fact #39: Most students consumed less than two drinks at Harris parties because there weren’t any drinks left when they got there. Believe it or not, there’s a two keg limit. Plus, nothing excites me more than waiting in line for a drink. I seriously get a kick out of it; it’s really easy to dance, gyrate and simply enjoy a party while standing in a line for a little (and I emphasize little, here) cup of beer. Not only that, but wristbands are the Apolo Ohno of parties: OVERRATED. With these things in mind, I think I’ll just go drink in my room by myselfand then wander around campus later on. Wait, apparently nobody does that.

Grinnell College Alcohol Fact # 12: 60 percent of Grinnell College students don’t fill out the campus survey. Well that’s probably a lie; I have no idea how many people actually filled out the campus survey last year. Nevertheless, I find it slightly devious to ask people to admit to, how they say, “binge drinking.” It’s like asking people to tell the whos-its and what-nots that decipher that survey, “Yes sir or madam, I am a drunk piece of shit. And now you know how much, how often.”

Grinnell College Alcohol Fact #40: Mac Field is a dangerous place to go running while intoxicated. Obviously, it’s difficult to imagine yourself sprinting across the long, dark expanse of North Campus, but I know some brave souls who have, one of whom sprained his ankle and looked like he needed his right leg amputated for about two weeks afterward. For God’s sake buddy, why didn’t you just go to the trainer like everyone told you to?

Random Forum Grill Fact #9: The place is ridiculously more crowded this year than last! I don’t think I’ve seen lines that long since I went to Express the other night (although props to them for adding the second register). What’s more, you get into this line and your life changes. All of a sudden, food and drink become more than just snacks, they become some sort of dire necessity. And if you think about it, on a more grandiose scale they are, except college kids at the Forum Grill aren’t fighting for their survival, they just want something to eat. So make sure you count the number of grapes in each of the little containers there, so as to get the most out of your dining dollars. And to you at the back of the line, staring daggers at me for buying the last two pieces of pizza … piss off. I had every right to buy that pizza. I’ll have you know it tasted absolutely awesome, like heaven spread over a warm, chewy crust, topped with pepperoni and cooked to perfection.

Grinnell College Alcohol Fact #19: When one is inebriated, certain things that were never before possible become a reality. Things you thought were out of reach find their way within your grasp, loggias become climbable (is that a word?)and one’s confidence soars. I suppose that last part is common knowledge, since people call alcohol “liquid courage” from time to time, but I doubt they’ve ever heard it referred to as perseverance in a cup. Interestingly enough, perseverance can also be found in a bowlor with a sub. Thank you, Quizno’s.

Grinnell College Residence Life Alcohol Fact #86: Alcohol destroys relationships, particularly the one between Chris Villa, Matt Teeters and their old dorm room in Lazier Hall. I don’t know if there’s any truth to the rumor, but apparently they tried to have a beer or two in there or something and the room started sassing back at them, saying things like, “Most Grinnell College students do not drink in their rooms.” Not wanting to give in to peer pressure, Villa responded, “I will fire when I’m God damn good and ready! Have you got that?!?” And so, the great breakup took place; both dudes live in singles now and I’m sorry Goose, but it’s time to buzz the tower.

And finally, Grinnell College Alcohol Fact #1: Drinking is not an abnormal behavior. Welcome to college. Let’s get drunk together, go to Harris parties in factions and meet other people there. Let’s offer a beer to someone for no other reason than to just be friendly. Want peace? Go to bed. Want a beer? Hit up my place later, because I’ll be drinking there, alone, before I meet my friends and go to a party.

Cheers.