Coke is wonderful

joseph gyrka

token conservative

I like Coke. I’m a coke kind of guy. I’m not saying that the fact that Grinnell is a Coca-Cola campus was the deciding factor that brought me here, but it didn’t hurt much. In the great soda vs. pop debate, I’m on the side of just calling everything Coke. Other soft drinks should not be bothered the Coke moniker.

So, you see, it’s because of my deep passion for Coke that I am so bothered by a growing epidemic on this campus. I’ll set the stage for one of my recent traumatic experiences with this problem: During a five minute break in my two hour afternoon class, I was on my way out to get some caffeinated-love from the Coke machine, when I saw a friend looking rather disheartened coming away from the machine. As she passed me, she cursed hippies. When I approached the machine, I found that the p-card reader was demagnetized.

At that time, when I was unable to get my afternoon refreshment, I was so in shock that all I could do was mutter “dirty stinking hippies.” Whoever you are who feel you have the right to deny me Coke, you are mistaken. I don’t care if you believe that Coke assassinates its union leaders. I don’t care if you believe that Coke grinds up third world children to create the vanilla flavoring in Vanilla Coke. You dirty stinking hippies should not be interfering with my drinking habits.

But the key here is that jut because a group of dirty stinking hippies vandalized property, not all dirty stinking hippies are responsible, let alone clean, pleasant smelling hippies. And, furthermore, I don’t even know for a fact that it was hippies of any hygiene level. It could have been jocks, professors, Lyle from Cowles or anyone else.

Now, let’s apply this logic to a different set of circumstances. Recently, a batch of anti-abortion posters were placed in front of Cowles (possibly in other locations, Cowles is the only location I have verified). The only thing that traveled faster through the campus grapevine the day the posters went up than word of the posters themselves were rumors that the posters were put up by the Republican or Christian clubs. The people spreading these rumors had as much knowledge that the posters were put up by puppy-torturing republicans as I have that the Coke machines were vandalized by dirty stinking hippies.

And even if both I and those blaming the Republicans or Christians were right and members of both groups are responsible for their respective acts of improper campus expression, those unrelated to these acts, such as me, should be left out of the cross-hairs. I no longer blame all dirty stinking hippies for Coke machine terrorism and everyone blaming all kitty-mutilating Republicans for unattributed postering outbursts should show us the same respect. I don’t know who did it, so stop blaming me.

One last note: I’m not trying to say that we lack a freedom of speech on this campus. If any students would like to poster, I believe they have every right. Even if they want to ignore the common courtesies of accuracy or lack of disgusting images near dining halls, they should put a username or group name on the posters. That goes beyond common courtesy to unspoken campus law. And, of course, I would extend the same right to those wanting to destroy my Coke machines. If you would just paste your username next to the broken p-card reader, I’ll be happy to come and discuss my problem with you. With a baseball bat.