Oh baby! No no no! Yeah! Green!

things you never thought to ask

electra allen-tonar

Confused by the title? So are a lot of lovers by their partners cries. Everyone knows that “No means no.” Does it? Do we want it to? If you’re not already in the BDSM community, you may not have heard of Safe Words. These are words and gestures that aren’t a normal part of a sexual repertoire. These are words and gestures that are quick, to the point, and easy to interpret because they are determined before a sexual encounter. In communities when people go right up to the edge of safety, Safe Words are a necessary part of the negotiation before the act — but they can be used in all healthy relationships to help facilitate a mutually pleasant experience. You decide: Your panting mouth is buried in a pillow while your lover is going at it above you. Suddenly your lover shifts weight and your thigh has a pubic bone painfully grinding into it. You crane your head to the side and take a deep breath. With your next statement your lover kindly moves back to the right and you continue with your happy gasping. Did you say, “Hey honey, could you please move over a little bit. You’re hurting me,” or did you say, “U-haul”?

Well, you could say either, but the second is certainly more expedient, isn’t it. If the two of you have already decided that U-haul is an appropriate code for a position that isn’t comfortable (U-haul being related to the word “move”) then all it takes is that simple utterance to get someone to revert to a former position or change to another one.

When you decide on the Safe Words you and your partner want to commit to immediate action-oriented memory, it’s important to choose the right ones. One might think a simple Yes, No, Do that, Don’t, Stop or the like would suffice. But what if you have decided that you want to be “taken against your will” and your pleading voice spurs your lover to on greater feats? “No” is a word within the script and no longer means what you want it to mean in that uncertain moment.

The best Safe Words are ones that no one would scream out from the inspiration of the moment. Some examples might be colors (red-stop, yellow-pause, green-keep going) or indicative places (LA-this is hell, Nebraska-this experience is fairly flat, Tahiti-paradise!). Make sure the words you choose won’t ruin the mood. While the current goings-on might be worse than having influenza, your lover does not want to be compared to or reminded of the flu, no matter how clear your meaning is. Also make sure that even though the meaning is clear to both parties, the words aren’t emotionally weighted. Sure, Valentine’s Day last year was the perfect example of botched sex, but do you really want to revisit that episode at this current juncture just because your partner isn’t fitting the bill in this moment? Make sure that the meaning is absolutely clear to both parties. If you say “Oklahoma” and think “I Cain’t Say No” while your partner thinks “Surrey with the Fringe on Top” you’re going to end up with romantic cuddling when you wanted to be playfully ravished. If you choose your own, just focus on the two reasons for Safe Words: having one word that stands for emotions and sensations that would take a paragraph to describe, and having a word that instigates an immediate reaction.

Since you’re already discussing this common vocabulary, be sure to include simple gestures as well. Wrestlers get to tap out, but a palm to the mattress might be construed as passionately beating the bed rather than a symbol of discomfort. Use the same rules for gestures as words – use ones that aren’t part of the script of sex.

Don’t forget that Safe Words can be expanded into a wonderful intricate code that you and your partner share. It’s quite delightful to speak about sex in front of people with perfectly acceptable terminology (allowing for red cheeks and copious amounts of giggling). It also facilitates communication, because you have to talk about the actions you want to codify. So sit down with your partner this evening and have an exciting brainstorming session thinking of the possibilities of Safe Words.

And ... Green!