Freaky wild rabid animal monkey-love sex and you

daniel musgrave

i know things good

You know, I’m still looking like a bloated tick from that holiday we just had. My brain is currently occupied just trying to motivate my stomach to continue digesting. In lieu of this fact, I’m going to skip the usual witty banter and just get down to business.

Dear Doctor Love, What is it about Kansas People that is so damn sexy? I just can’t comprehend how that state pumps out such stunning individuals. Isn’t Kansas just a flat state composed of a cornfield and a tornado? That’s what I’ve heard and I don’t know whether to believe it or not.

Crapfully yours,

-its bigger in texas.

ps. paint-balling rules! BOOYA!

Mr. Texas, I assume by “its” you’re talking about my reputation and fan club. Either that or you’re referring to the number that corresponds to the temperature. About Kansas people, it’s something in the water. A hardy dose of hotness potion in the water plus a steady diet of Kansas beef and some good old fashioned family values makes for a state full of sweet people (and by sweet I mean totally awesome). With regards to paint-balling, it rules! You are correct, sir. More of it should happen around Grinnell. C’mon you guys, the paint is non-toxic and biodegradable, give it a chance.

Dearest poopikins, How do you do freaky wild rabid animal monkey-love sex? I think I tried once but failed.

-A troubled lover

To the Lady that thinks I am her poopikins: Hey, how’s it goin’? My name’s actually Mr. Right, but I heard you’ve been looking for me anyway. So, you want to know how to perform a manoeuvre so complex it was left out of the Karma Sutra? They had to stuff it into another book titled “The Dictionary,” perhaps you’ve heard of it. I’ll give you the inside scoop and show you how to get it done the goodest.

First you’re going to need to get some supplies. It requires some soothing background music, maybe Barry White or the Sisqo cd; rose petals, one of those big coin banks shaped like a crayon, some ninja stars (because ninjas are freakin’ awesome), three pounds of modeling clay, one lemur (if you can’t get a pair) and a Crocodile Nile slip n’ slide. Oh and you’ll need a partner too, preferably of the same species. All of these items are essential to the success of pulling off freaky wild rabid animal monkey-love sex.

Now, if you’d like to know the rest of the secret, you’ll need to buy my handy instructional video “Freaky Wild Rabid Animal Monkey-Love Sex and You (GONE WILD!): This is not porn. No really.” If you get the DVD, it comes with 37 seconds of never-before-seen footage. It also comes with a surprise ending where Neo grows a pair and beats those damn dirty robots like a red headed step-child. These quality items can be found at amazon.com for only $49.95. Or for all you bargain hunters, they’re also on amazon.pygmytribe/_lostintherainforest.co.uk for just three shiny beads, a magic rock and a shrunken head equaling roughly $1.62.