Speedbump man

adam beals

trabajaba

As you’ve probably heard, RKO Speedprez pulls down a cool $480,000 a year, and his various endorsement deals and PGA tour winnings push this figure to nearly $90 million. These earnings may seem exorbitant, however, it’s important to keep in mind that the college pays me a biweekly sum of $25 just to produce incoherent columns that nobody reads. When I’m good and lush, I can compose a column in aboot 5 minutes which sets my wages at $300 per hour. My parents encouraged me to use this money to payoff my student loans, but I opted to spend half on bling and go swimming in the rest Scrooge McDuck-style.

When I’m not backstroking through my benjamins, I like to give back to the community by serving at Salvation Army kitchens. When I was home over Thanksgiving break slopping gruel, I looked up into the tattooed eyeballs of a large young man with orange hair and nails protruding from either side of his nose—not fingernail nails, pound-into-wood (not flesh) with a hammer nails. Certain that this man was going to kill me and swipe my diamond encrusted dollar sign necklace, I scanned the room for a more benign-looking big guy who I could hide behind. As I was looking around frantically I noticed Speedbump Man patiently waiting in line for his dollop of gruel. Speedbump Man is a beloved public figure whose mission in life is to stumble around blind corners and fall on his face. When someone who’s walking too fast or talking on a cell phone comes around the same corner, Speedbump Man chills them out by tripping them with his moaning body. It takes a certain amount of girth to make an effective speedbump, the kind of girth that can only come from consuming a few healthy servings of gruel. When I realized that the orange hair guy, who could afford both hair dye AND a pair of nails, was going to be taking food from Speedbump Man, my fear sparked into rage. I looked orange hair guy right in his tattooed eyes, took a deep breath, and timidly gave him the rest of gruel. I looked over and saw salty tears swelling in Speedbump Man’s eyes, but, hey, I didn’t want a pair of nails protruding from either side of MY nose!

There are times, during the long winter nights, when I feel pretty ashamed that I gave Speedbump man’s Thanksgiving dinner to a hulking man-ape who was probably a corporate lawyer just looking for a free meal. Sometimes I feel so guilty that all I can do is fire up my clap-on fireplace and pass the night admiring how the dancing flames reflect off my 40-carat diamond ring.