The argument for Evil

david clark

the modern crusade

Recently, Commander-in-Chief George W. Bush gathered a special force of American troops and sent them off into space on the most ambitious mission ever undertaken. These brave men and women have been chosen for a single purpose: to put an end, once and for all, to the forces of Evil in our universe. Every other week, the Scarlet and Black will publish a letter from a member of the crew detailing the progress of this most impressive endeavor. Today we hear from Richard Canning of St. Paul, MN. May we remember these heroes in our prayers!

Students of Grinnell College, for the sake of my argument I must make an essential distinction between us: you may have youthful enthusiasm, but I have experience—I know life. Believe me: before the unremitting assault of experience, all that wistful idealism you now live for will one day wring and wrench itself into such tight and frightened knots that you will be left crippled, unable to justify the slightest shred of your existence. You may be able to ignore the abyss and live on, hardly shaken—that is, if your experiences are weak enough or your spirit cowardly enough. But the man of strong character, with the honesty and courage to face full-on whatever terror befalls him, that man will be broken.

Each will crumble in his own way; personally, I half-dreamed through 12 starved and naked days locked in a pitch-dark closet with my knees pressed to my chest, my palms pressed trembling to my temples as I muttered dismal hymns and choked on “The Star-Spangled Banner.” I guess my case has been uniquely horrid, for Life forces very few men to test their strength against Evil in direct combat only to fail, fail, and fail again. We, America’s righteous paladins, have been destroyed. Over the last few weeks, Evil has picked us off one by one, one by one; all of us are in hiding now and none of us have any idea how many remain. This ship, America’s great symbol of Good, has become a coffin.

But there is an alternative to extermination: we can shift alliance! We can abandon the cause and preserve our lives! Do you frown at this, Grinnell College? Ha! I have fought Evil in outer-space for months now, I have endured torments that you could not even imagine, and through it all I have realized one mighty truth. There is no Good; Good is nothing. Evil is not the opposite of Good, but the absence of Good, and, in that sense, life is Evil. In allying with Evil I will lose nothing but the destructive illusion of purposiveness, and I will regain life!

You frown again? Do you young idealists growl at the grumpy old man who insists that Good is powerless, even nonexistent? Go ahead! React, in God’s name! Then lie down naked on some freshly washed sheets. Turn off the lights, burn your “prairie in springtime” incense, and listen to techno remixes of Native American flute music. Oh, there’s more: read love poetry, admire paintings, snuggle and kiss; give your money to a charity or save the rainforest. Do whatever you can to arouse some petty pleasure, anything to veil that emptiness thumping underneath, that black hole threatening to ingest you. As for me, I’ve had enough with these lies. If you had lived through what I have, you would likewise lose your capacity for such shallowness.

Deny all this then deny it again! Once more! Curse me, curse Evil; call upon the pagan deities of morning mists and autumnal breezes to restore your unsteady dreams and reawaken your sense of beauty. But I know you feel it; even you, Grinnell College, must feel that pounding in your chest. Remember this when I return and the plan nears completion: then, you will have the option of joining me. There is time to consider.

My plan? I can reveal only the beginning. Evil will return for me, this I know; and when it does, I will lie down in worship before it. I will offer myself, and Evil will accept me into its ranks. Then, I will regain the ship. Even if I have to slaughter every one of my former crew-mates, I swear that I will revitalize this vessel, transforming it from a coffin for Good into a sanctuary for Life! What power I will then wield! America has given us every weapon in its arsenal to battle Evil; my hand will direct all that force back against America, the bastion of pleasurable delusion.

I can tell you no more. You need hear no more. Let this be sufficient: I will return, bearing all the power of this world and all the authority of Evil. You will then have a choice to make: fight me, fight the truth, and fight bravely though you must die—fight for every motherly smile and every wag of every dog’s tail; or join me, the frightful conqueror, as I topple the tyranny of falsehood that has so long constrained our great race!

Now we wait. I will wait here, in the dark, for Evil. You must wait there, on Earth, for me. All will unwind soon enough.

Richard Canning