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Lorin versus Viverly

Maid Rite houses rhetorical bout between town resident, student

Lorin Ditzler '06

"Well I heard it costs all sorts of money to go to this college here." My ears perk up at what can only be a reference to my most treasured and costly education. "I just hope those kids have the sense to appreciate being at such a great institution."

My diminutive hands begin to shake in fury as I listen to this baseless slander. Armed with my liberal arts critical thinking skills, I effortlessly read between the sordid lines of these seemingly innocent comments. A clump of sad, crumbled meat escapes the enriched white bun of my Maid-Rite sandwich as three seats down, two suspiciously adorable eighty-year-old women (let's call them Vivienne and Beverly) sidle up to the counter.

Disguised beneath my child-like stature, with a face that reads like a chapter of Billy Graham's latest family values manifesto, I blend into my surroundings by posing as a typical 14-year-old Grinnell High School student. I listen, intent and undetected, pondering my rebuttal as Vivienne and Beverly ruthlessly slam the college community:

Vivienne and Beverly (hereafter, Viverly) College Student Slander #1: It sure costs a lot of money to go to that nice little college over there.

Hey! Just what is it you're trying to say exactly? You think I'm rich or something? Rich?! Look at me for God's sake. I have holes in my jeans! Holes! I use a piece of twine for a belt. My shoes are held together with duct tape and I haven't bathed in recent memory. Do you think I'd look like this if my parents owned half of Picasso's blue period and let me buy ponies on their credit card? Try getting your facts straight Viverly. It was a stallion. Please, as if I would ride a pony.

Viverly Slander #2: I hope they don't lose their common sense doing all that studying.

The Law of the Conservation of Sense: The total quantity of sense (book and common) available in the universe is fixed. Sense cannot be created or destroyed, only converted from one form to another. A complex theory, to be sure. But once again you're off the mark, Viverly. I got plenty of common sense. When I lived in a real house over the summer, I figured out how to put the trash in big yellow bags so that it disappears in the night, and even how to call the plumber and pay him $300 to fix the leaky faucet.

And I found out that if you leave a piece of furniture on your lawn till it becomes a public health hazard, the city'll haul it away for free! Yeah, that's right. Who's got the sense now, Viverly?

Viverly Slander #3: I wonder why none of those kids want to stick around here.

How do I even respond to such a ridiculous defamation? Listen Viverly, I got better things to do with my independent Peace Studies major than stick around a town with low crime, high standard of living and a strong sense of community. I'm taking my $120,000 degree, moving back with my folks in Evanston and working part time at the bagel shop. Geeze, just the thought of staying here and wasting my degree on something so ... rural. I don't think I could even get myself out of bed to ride my Paso Fino stallion in the morning.

Viverly Slander #4: This one time I saw two girls holding hands in the grocery store.

Lesbians! Gays! Immoral love for everyone! Alright, Viv. You've got me on this one. But honestly, what do you expect when I'm surrounded by nothing but spoiled, East-Coast, socially awkward, rich, unkempt guys? In fact, you might do well to get on board with the lesbian revolution yourself. From what I hear, the Mayflower is severely lacking in eligible men.

So you see Viverly, we college students aren't so bad. Just misunderstood. And oppressed. Oppressed by the Bush administration. And pollution. And the rich bastards of the Coca-Cola company.

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