Quoth T.S. Eliot, "April is the cruelest month." Unfortunately, Eliot was also a dirty liar, because if there were an accurate poem about April, it would be called, "April is totally the sweetest month. Suck on that, March." I know! I'm shocked by my unfailing optimism too!

What happened to angry, bitter Rachel, who set fire to study breaks and ate the hearts of first-years?

Well, she is dead, and no one will miss her. In light of this new, generally glorious spring weather, I present a more cheerful list than usual:

Things To Do In Springtime That Aren't Going to Class, Writing Papers, or Thinking About Graduation.

1. The best thing to do in warm weather is simple: find a roof and sit on it. This might not be entirely "safe" or "legal," but April is not about depressing labels.

It's about potentially getting arrested with a broken leg, all in the pursuit of sunshine!

Seriously, though, there's nothing like a good rooftop location to reconnect with your friends and survey campus.

That pretentious kid from your poli-sci class just fell down in a pile of mud on the train tracks?

Your ex-boyfriend is spending time with somebody clearly less attractive than you? All these secrets and more can be revealed to you, from your secret rooftop hiding spot!

2. Ahh, spring. The season of baby ducks, baby bunnies, and baby people. Otherwise known as prospies.

Many prospies haven't developed those pesky college traits of high alcohol tolerance and standards, and they certainly don't know about your long history of rejection.

Of course, they haven't actually left their status as "minors" either, but I will not be stymied by these technicalities.

Prospies are so wonderful because there are really no limits to the lies they will believe.

"Every year we sacrifice a first year in the middle of campus," you say seriously, as they nod in wide-eyed belief. "It could be you. In fact, it probably will be."

Similarly, they don't know that you're not a straight-A student with a million friends.

They don't even know if you don't technically attend Grinnell College!

It might not be ethical, but it sure is fun, and that's what we value here.

3. Remember the sweet days of Grab n' Go, when students would congregate on Cleveland Beach with sandwiches and more than five varieties of soda?

Well, if you're a first- or second- year, you don't, but it's nice to keep column lists exclusive from time to time.

My point is: don't let the untimely destruction of Grab n' Go keep you from the sweet bonding experience of a picnic.

Cleveland Beach, South Campus Beach, Forum Beach--why, the deceiving number of beaches on this campus is practically overwhelming!

4. There are three different swings on campus right now, and if you are not sitting in one of them while you read this column, you are wasting your life.

Sure, there are things to worry about in springtime--impending finals, for example, or flash floods. But we dedicate so much of our time to worrying on this campus already.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a day where you could just lie in the grass and stare up at the sky, without worrying about the class you're probably skipping to do so?

Well, guess what? You can. There are only so many months when Grinnell is this ridiculously beautiful, and we only have so much time here.

You don't have to put down your textbook--I am, but that's another troubling matter entirely--just take it outside. It's easier to be happy in the sun.