Grinnellians reach out, (desperately?) seeking love.



SLIGHTLY DISORGANIZED BUT NOW REGULARLY-SHOWERING

Junior woman seeks secretary of intimacy who comes close (at the very least) to being as funny as she is. Applicants must be comfortable with uninhabitable personal living quarters but may possess traditionally undesirable habits such as smoking, drinking, bisexuality or engaging in sexual intercourse on the tile floors of public bathrooms.



STRONG, SUPPLE SGA PRESIDENT

Seeking a man whose hobbies include sleepovers, compulsive list-making and frequently being persuaded to do things she's too lazy to do herself. Must be capable of tolerating her multiple imagined affairs with pioneers of responsible investing and defending major bodily organs from drunken belligerence. Those with uninteresting Plans need not apply.



RUTHERFORD W. PIKE, SINGLE MALE OF 34 YEARS.

Seeking a young farm wife between the ages of 20 and 25 years. Must be good at cooking, stable keeping, house maintenance and child production. She should wash floors and windows, make me lunch, bring it to me and not mind bringing me a beer at the end of a long hot day. She should be generous and want to buy me a 1956 Ford pickup just because, and she should have a decent truck of her own. Ironing is helpful, but it's not a deal breaker.



LAST THURSDAY AFTERNOON, SOUTHBOUND L16 BUS.

Me: fish. Bulging green eyes, scales of the eponymous color, a world-weary look. Was headed up towards Seattle for another numbing year of the same tired spawning crap. Then time stopped--I locked eyes with--

You: bicycle. Your gears moved as if buttered, chrome fenders so clear I could make out the algae flecks stuck in my gills. I think you saw my eyes follow your perfect, porous foam seat, with those springs so thick they could carry my roe over the rockies without so much as a jostle. I think you liked that I was looking.

Baby, I swear to you: I need you. Forget what the bumperstickers and buttons say. It won't be easy, but we could make it work. This little fishy needs you, honey.



SENIOR OF LONG-SUSPECTED MIDGET STATUS

Seeking man who appreciates horses, the stigma of bladder control issues, and a fine bottle of $2 white wine. The ideal partner is comfortable with petulant only children, denture maintenance and the seeker's ridiculous insistence that she can make three noises at once. Apply now if you've ever thought, "You know what would spruce this room up? A copy of the Constitution!"