During my run on the hallowed pages of the S∓B, I've received quite a few comments/compliments/letter bombs regarding my column. I'm finally starting to appreciate how a rock star would feel if he wrote for a small college newspaper. Alas, there's still so much to discuss, and increasingly little time to discuss it in. In the interest of answering as many questions as I can (and filling up a lot of space), I've decided to write this particular column in the ever-popular Question and Answer format. Consider it my way of saying thanks for reading and keeping up with my insightful and sophisticated commentary that undoubtedly caused you to take pause. Let's stop dallying and cut right to the chase:

Q: This is a really dumb idea.

A: That's not really a question.

Q: What are Indonesia's main exports?

A: Petroleum, lumber from protected rainforests and corruption.

Q: Corruption? Really?

A: That's more like two questions. You're not very good at following this format.

Q: Sorry.

A: That's also not really a question. Anyway, Indonesia has shot up recently in the corruption rankings, up to around sixth or seventh place (Source: The Newsly Herald Tribune Times). This is remarkable given that Indonesia went through a revolution in 1998 that was supposed to clean up the government.

Q: Well, who was the "president" before the revolution?

A: An ex-military general with lots of suspect ties and powers involving the military.

Q: So who's the president now?

A: An ex-military general with lots of suspect ties and powers involving the military. However, he's got much better hair, so the people like him a lot.

Q: Surely the corruption doesn't stop there though? It must go down into the more local authorities.

A: The police officers that regularly pulled me over for no reason other than so I could bribe them would probably agree with you.

Q: Don't the police have actual policing to do? I heard there was some sort of Jakarta version of the Mafia from my Uncle Cletus. Can't they arrest those guys instead?

A: They would, but the chief of police has stated that they can't since the head of the Mafia is "an immensely charismatic individual who draws followers to him like flies to those cool glowing bug zapper thingies. Also, he's got an absolutely dazzling smile and is a snappy dresser."

Q: So, who is the head of the mafia then?

A: The chief of police.

Q: Seriously?

A: Check the main exports again if you don't believe me.

Q: You've focused a lot on Jakarta in your column. Didn't you ever go out into the Thousand Islands?

A: Of course, and only on the finest means of transportation available.

Q: Which were?

A: Planes that looked to be old enough for Charles Lindbergh to be piloting them, and whose apparent state of regular operation includes ejecting a worrying amount of liquid out of the engines at a fairly constant rate throughout the flight.

Q: Sounds like fun.

A: The best part was that the cockpit door was open, allowing us to gaze in on our two brazen pilots having a cigarette while the trails of smoke curled around the "No Smoking" sign.

Q: I take it you survived then?

A: If I can drink Jakarta tap water, I can survive anything.

Q: What sorts of animals are out there in the Thousand Islands?

A: Oh, the usual suspects. Big ol' Komodo dragons the size of minivans, Javan rhinos the size of slightly bigger minivans and orangutans that aren't quite the size of minivans but that won't stop them from folding you up like a cheap umbrella.

Q: I'm interested in taking a trip to Indonesia. Do you have any pointers or inside knowledge that somebody like me could use to get around the country?

A: Stupid Question guy, I'm not showing you any of my secret moves.

Q: How long does it take to get to Jakarta from America?

A: Well, in the bad old days, flying from Jakarta to, say, Washington D.C. would involve flying to Singapore, then catching a flight to Seoul, then a 15 hour layover, then a flight to Los Angeles, and finally taking a flight from L.A. to D.C. Overall, it was about a 30 hour trip.

Q: That sounds awful!

A: Yeah, but it's much better now. Now you only spend 12 hours in Seoul and lose 30 pounds due to eating airline food. Happy days!

Q: Once I'm in Indonesia, what do you recommend I see?

A: A good start would be to check out the various giant statues in Jakarta built during Indonesia's pseudo-communist phase (this being just before the military dictatorship). The "Spirit of Youth" is particularly amusing since the actual figure looks to be around 40 years old.

Q: What's this I hear about a Washington Monument rip-off?

A: You're thinking of the Monas, which was the last of those big nationalistic constructions meant to bolster the people's spirits. It looks essentially like the Washington Monument except with a nice round shaft, and large circular base, and a tip made of golden flames.

Q: Wow, that sounds even more phallic than the Washington Monument. I didn't think that was possible.

A: The locals like to call it "Sukarno's Last Erection."

Q: Will you ever live there again?

A: I might. But I've already popped back over across the Pacific a few times, and it's not how it used to be. The things and the people I grew up with have left or aren't as I remember them. Wherever home is, it's not there anymore. I guess the old saying is true: You can't go home again.