The press quotes for Caesar Pink and the Imperial Orgy's Gospel Hymns for Agnostics and Atheists suggested that the album would leave us with "a spiritual and sexual tingle" or possibly be "as annoying as a spike in the eardrum." The truth, however, is much less hyperbolic. It's not excruciating, it's not revolutionary, it's sure as hell not tingly—it's just bad.

Pink and his record company make a big deal about the "controversial" nature of his music, claiming that he's been banned from multiple college and mainstream radio stations. We posit a different reason: no self-respecting DJ would play this crap. Instead of being blasphemous or even edgy, Pink sounds like he found an emo 13-year-old girl named Lisa's LiveJournal and set it to music.

The album opens with a song called "The Amazing Tenacity of Job and His Brethren." Twenty-five seconds into this mumbly something, we came to a conclusion. "This is really bad." The fact that it was recorded in Tin Man Studios is coincidental considering it sounds like it was recorded in an empty can of creamed corn—oh, and it's really corny.

Song two, "In Praise of Shadows," continues the trend of pairing lackluster melodies with banal lyrics (and yes, we are trying to act as pretentious as we can). The song is about ravens and school boys and writing on chain link fences (which we don't even know is possible). By the time we got to the line "So hosanna hey-sanna what do we do now?" we were ready to get the hell-sanna out of there. However, it does sound kind of like a really emo John Mellencamp, so it might not be so bad if you were really, really high.

Track three, "So It Is," might be the worst song of the four. The lyrics improved slightly, but Caesar Pink attempts to create a thoughtful piece of "South-African Township music"—his description, not ours—that comes out more like a pseudo-Caribbean ska Led Zepplin-esque mess. Also, about halfway through the song, we realized the lead singer has a noticeable lisp. While it might work for Modest Mouse, Pink just makes it annoying.

By the time we got around to the fourth and final track, neither of us were really listening anymore. Pink claims in the song that "this is the best we can do." If this is true, Pink needs a new job. Or a new life. Which kinda sucks for him, because he's an atheist.

If you happen to see or hear this album anywhere, avoid it like the mutant cold virus. Caesar Pink is not the worst music ever, but he's not witty, he's not edgy, he's not cool or even slightly fun. In the end, Caesar Pink and the Imperial Orgy are bad enough to convince us to repent our sins and return to the Lord. Amen.