Abby explains how to survive Thanksgiving back home
Dear Abby,
I’m going home for Thanksgiving, and I’m scared. My family is crazy! My 95-year-old grandma spouts racial epithets. My mother is going through a midlife crisis and is dating a radical Marxist four years older than me. My aunt is single and talks exclusively about weight-loss, ruining all my love for pie. And my 14-year-old brother wears too much eyeliner.
I don’t know how I’ll survive.
Dear Helpless,
First of all, you absolutely must not watch the Macy’s Day Parade with your family. All those floats will inevitably draw your aunt into comparisons of body size, send your grandma back to Reconstruction, make your mother’s boyfriend rant about consumerism and, worst of all, make your brother cry. Trust me, Macy’s Day Parade is not for the weak. It can test a family beyond its limits—and that family could be yours.
For a peaceful Thanksgiving, the key is to preoccupy family members with each other instead. Then you can relax.
I think that Marxist would have a lovely time with your grandma. I can think of no one better able to mess with elderly racists than young militant leftists. Go up to the boyfriend and say, “You need to keep an eye on my grandmother to make sure she doesn’t choke.” Then remind him that your mother is likely to withhold sex if she’s mourning a death in the family. Your grandma will be thrilled to have a captive audience.
Now that BF and Grandma are paired off, play matchmaker with Mom and Little Brother. They’ve presumably stopped talking—he’s too preoccupied with his unique pain. Say to your mother before dinner, “I think your son wants to relate to you. About a girl situation. And a pep rally. And about how to be young and hip.” That ought to grab her. In the meantime, buy your brother a Dashboard Confessional CD and some stealthy earbuds.
If I’m keeping track correctly, that just leaves your single aunt. Tell her the meal is “diet.” If the turkey doesn’t put her to sleep, the sheer ecstasy of good food should make her manageable.
And that leaves you all alone, to eat, drink and be merry. Put your feet up. Turn on some football. But you should still stay away from the Parade. That’s simply too dangerous.
