Volume II, Issue 3
March, 2004
Volume II, Issue 3March, 2004 |
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Other News |
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Osgood Loses House Due to Bad Room Draw Number
President Russell K. Osgood was dismayed to discover that this year will be his last in his current residence, after receiving a low number in the Grinnell Housing Lottery. (Continued) |
Study finds March Madness to be More Dangerous than Pennant Fever
A study by MIT researchers published in this month’s New England Journal of Medicine has found that “March Madness” is at least three times more dangerous to the human body than “Pennant Fever.” (Continued) |
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Bush to Unveil New Campaign Slogan, “TERROR, TERROR, TERROR! VOTE FOR ME OR THE TERRORISTS WILL KILL YOU!”
The Bush-Cheney 2004 re-election team is set to unveil his new campaign slogan, focusing on his “steady leadership” in a “new dangerous world where dangerous men are very dangerous.” (Continued) |
Easter Bunny Baffled by Vegans
The Easter Bunny is a time-honored symbol of the Easter holiday, perhaps even more revered than the image of the Resurrected Jesus Christ. (Continued) |
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McClelland Fired For Lack of “Pizzazz” as Spokesman/Lie-Teller
President George W. Bush fired White House Press Secretary Scott McClelland today, citing the spokesperson’s delivery and comportment as factors... (Continued) |
The Passion Breaks the $200 Million Mark, Spurring Talk of Sequels, Happy Meal Toys
The Passion of the Christ hit the two hundred million-dollar mark last weekend, causing talk about potential sequels to intensify. Director/Producer Mel Gibson is doing his best to fan the flames. (Continued) |
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Increasingly Lazy Mafia Just Dropping Bodies Anywhere
Gretchen Mulcahey was walking her dog along the lakefront walk of Chicago’s Montrose Harbor two weeks ago when she noticed a body lying right in the middle of her path... (Continued) |
Overly Vague Prescription Medicine Ads Entice Americans to Buy Shit They Don’t Really Need
Today in America, nearly 27 million people are without health insurance, leaving many unable to purchase the medication they need... (Continued) |
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Police Ledger for Thursday, April 15th
Top Excuses Grinnell Students Give For Paper Extensions Tablitra: An Inchoate Cure for All Your Inchoate Problems The Adventures of Off-Topic Girl |